Reaching in the Dark

Have you ever felt so confused, bewildered, and in the dark that all you can do is call out to God? Asking for a lifeline, a whisper of acknowledgement, JUST a second of knowing what His peace feels like.

That about sums up my very being right now.

I feel like I am blindfolded, stumbling around on an obstacle course, have fallen one too many times, and am exhausted beyond all repair. Peace and solace don't seem feasible, even if I rest...I must keep trying to find the end of the course, in hopes, that will solve all my issues.
I, of course, know that pushing myself will not solve anything, I know that it may cause more damage than good--- but I can't help it. I need to keep going, I need to know God is there.

The instance we feel a sense of rejection, isolation, even desparation, we,as Christians, call on God. When we don't hear his voice, our call's become shouts, then eventually tears of discouragement and the inevitable SCREAMING out of His name. Reaching for his hand in the dark, hoping...that at any minute, you will feel His hand, and be on solid (and safe) ground.


When I was a child and felt isolated by peers, or life circumstances, I could always turn to God and his embrace. I had no doubts that God was in control and that He was taking care of me.

Being an altar server (and in the choir) I was almost always early for Sunday mass. This presented the perfect time for me to feel God's love. The perfect time to be with Him--just He and I.

The way I would do this is probably unorthodox, at least to many.

I would kneel/sit in the aisle on the carpet and stare at the tabernacle. Just sitting there, not really thinking about anything, but knowing that if there was a thought in my head, God knew of it and no words needed to be spoken.

 I equated sitting there, on the floor, as sitting on God's lap, as that is how it felt. I felt LOVE. Not, just loved, but the essence of  love. The entire embrace of unconditional love, and unconditional understanding.

Recently, I have gotten the urge to do just this---sit on the floor, in front of the tabernacle, to see if , as an adult, the same feeling of complete belonging would return. I am so  hesitant to even attend mass these days, that coming early seems like a huge stretch, BUT maybe this urge isn't just an urge, maybe it is God's way of calling me back to his arms, to trust like a child, to not question anymore.

God speaks to each of us in a unique way, maybe this is His way of speaking to me, showing me that no matter how old I get, I am still a child in His eyes.