Trusting is a fickle thing...

     For Lent I have (had) decided to do 3 things, instead of giving up junkfood or caffeine, which I heavily contemplated, I am fasting 2 days a week,  have dedicated at least 1 day to silence and prayer, and have made the promise to LET GO.

     I tend to be a planner, not doing anything spontaneous or too out of the ordinary, for fear of something happening, for fear that I won't know what comes next.
To TRUST, letting God take the reigns.

This is so frightening, I feel like a child lost in the woods.
 I guess the main reason for this fear or anxiety is, I don't know what to expect, I don't know if the outcome will be anything like "it should be",and most of all, because I am not in control.

 I am now having to rely on Divine Providence.

God intervenes all the time, but I don't think I have ever had my eyes, spiritual and physical, open to the little nuances of His presence. I mean, I am aware of his grace and have been blessed with knowing of many miracles, but to REALLY see God alive in this world, in this very moment...is almost unfathomable.

It is not totally out of reach though. I have, over the last few weeks been able to see, small threads of God's bigger tapestry, as my life is re-woven in a direction I never thought it would go. I have also been amazingly blessed with witnessing the faith filled struggle of one of my friends recovering from addiction, and yet another friend realize that there is more to life than what she has settled for.

Back to my relying on Divine Providence, I must now---once again--- learn to trust that God will fill each need in His time, that no matter where a journey, no matter how long or short, begins is just that THE BEGINNING and only God knows the end.

This is me jumping into the deep end, into the unknown world of trusting that God will not let me fall!

Jesus I trust in you.

Where do we go from here?

I find myself replaying the song "You Must Love Me" from the musical Evita...both through cd and in mind.

Perhaps this is because that is exactly how I feel. I have gone so far, traveled a long journey--- though God will ultimately decide how long I need to  travel, but my mind and heart are asking: What now...where do we go?

The song takes place at the end of the play, when Evita is dying. She is singing to Juan asking him why he still loves her, as her whole world, everything she built it up to be...has now fallen. She feels like she is useless, and there is no reason for anyone to love or care for her anymore.

How does the equate to my life? My heart is singing this song to God... Let me break it down stanza by stanza (my explanation is in blue):

Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we intended to be
We had it all, you believed in me
I believed in you
My life is nowhere near where I thought it would be 10, well even 2 years go. There was a time I was extremely certain in my faith, certain in my trust, and certain that everything would work out for the good. My relationship with God was full of tiny consolations(which I needed at the time) --bringing me closer to the knowledge that He and I were right where we needed to be, I knew without a doubt He loved me, and I loved Him.We had faith in each other.

Certainties disappear
What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive,
As we used to do?

Certainties, definitely disappear. After having been thrown through, what I like to call a "rock tumbler" of a year (as one can only hope the tumbling leads to eventual perfection in His eyes), I don't know who I am anymore, I have lost my feet, have forgotten how to stand. How do I continue on this path without divulging into the struggle of Mary vs. Martha?  When will I feel passionate about things again, how can I realize what the REAL dream for my life is? 

Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away

This is self-explanatory. You know there are always things we wish to say to God, but can't ever find the courage to say them because we are afraid---even with the promise of His Mercy---that He will leave us...

Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to you now?
Give me a chance and I'll let you see how
Nothing has changed  

I am in constant awe at the fact that even in our darkest hours, even when we can't seem to find His voice or feel His presence, God is always beside us. This fact makes me all the more saddened because of my recent doubt, I feel that I do not deserve this. Because of my doubt and constant struggle to trust, I feel I am useless, at times, for His Kingdom--- I sometimes feel like I am used and broken goods--- But I pray for those second chances to trust again. Second chances to prove that I have what it takes to be in His vision, to be a Beautiful Child of God.

In the end though...is anyone ever TRULY worthy of His love, forgiveness, trust and Mercy?

Re-direction...

As most of  you know, over the past 7 years I have held various blogs on discerning religious life. I have had a re-direction of thought. Not to say that I don't think that I have a call to religious life, but that I am not sure---and surprisingly, I am okay with this.

After having spent almost 10 years leaning towards religious life, sans the 2 years I dated, I have decided to not discern. To just be...

You may be asking why this change, what made me go from full force future religious to trusting non-discerner. All that I can say is, after several recent conversations with friends, and a very confusing dialogue with God---though admittedly it was a monologue for a good while. I have decided that even though, I know not where my life will go from here, and as scared and confused as that makes me....I know that God is ultimately in control, and when he is ready to show me the next steps, I will be open to understanding and accepting.

This blog is about just that. The journey of a woman, who thought she knew who she was, thought she was following God, and is now at the eternal mercy of the heavenly father.

Come with me, I would love the company.

God Bless you as we continue our Lenten journey!