This week has been nothing but an awkward downward spiral. I try with all my might to stay above ground, but here I find myself at the bottom of a well--- it is dark, cold, and lonely. Though I know God is with me, I can't see, feel or hear him---yet, I am not in a state of panic!
I am actually comfortable here, at least I have grown comfortable. I know that this darkness will eventually pass, and that the feeling of loneliness, is only that...just a feeling. But the isolation is what frightens me. Without even knowing it, I have isolated myself from things that I love, and this has probably resulted in my not being able to find a job in the field that I have studied.
A little back story
You see, when things out of your control happen, you tend to lose control of you.If you are lucky you quickly recover and jump back up again.
But for me, as sad as I am to even put this in print, my resilience has caught up with me. I often thought how lucky I was that I could bounce back from the most horrible situations and be unscathed, unmarked, unwounded. The truth is, I was building a wall...a wall of invincibility, which given enough impact, was eventually going to tumble down. About a year ago, the wall started tumbling, and I, now, find myself falling with it.
It is funny that as I have experienced this tumbling of the wall, my eyes (spiritual and physical) seem more open, I see and feel things on a totally different level. I cry when I see a child that looks lonely, I want to hug the homeless vet who approaches me for money, and I feel vulnerable at every second. The vulnerability is an extremely new thing for me, as I have always been the STRONG one, the one who didn't cry at deaths, who has always kept it together during tragic circumstances---even those directly involving myself--but I am allowing God to work these things out, I still question the validity of His will, but I am willing to trust. Even if it is hesitantly.
We all must spend some time in Gethsemane!
Jesus spent that painstaking night in the garden with his apostles and dear friends, praying that he wouldn't have to go through with crucifixion. I always fall victim to this image. The son of God came down in human form: The visit to Gethsemane, shows his humanness, shows his frailty, shows that even those who have a higher purpose, question what is meant to be. I cry with Jesus, I cry for Jesus, I cry because Jesus followed his call.
Jesus struggled with the knowledge of what was to come, he also struggled with the fact that his disciples, his friends--THOSE CLOSEST TO HIM--failed to see what was happening and did not understand. How lonely and scared he must have felt. I am glad that Jesus himself has experienced such desolation, makes my struggle seem a little less daunting.
So...from the bottom of this well, I have found comfort. I know that even though people might fail to understand what is going on, that God knows. I know that even though I often feel like I can't see or breathe, God is there to catch me. And I know that even though I have no idea where this journey will take me, someday I will be able to step out of this well and feel the grass under my feet, again.
Slowly. In time. In HIS time.
We all must spend some time in Gethsamane, it will only bring us closer to God.
I am actually comfortable here, at least I have grown comfortable. I know that this darkness will eventually pass, and that the feeling of loneliness, is only that...just a feeling. But the isolation is what frightens me. Without even knowing it, I have isolated myself from things that I love, and this has probably resulted in my not being able to find a job in the field that I have studied.
A little back story
You see, when things out of your control happen, you tend to lose control of you.If you are lucky you quickly recover and jump back up again.
But for me, as sad as I am to even put this in print, my resilience has caught up with me. I often thought how lucky I was that I could bounce back from the most horrible situations and be unscathed, unmarked, unwounded. The truth is, I was building a wall...a wall of invincibility, which given enough impact, was eventually going to tumble down. About a year ago, the wall started tumbling, and I, now, find myself falling with it.
It is funny that as I have experienced this tumbling of the wall, my eyes (spiritual and physical) seem more open, I see and feel things on a totally different level. I cry when I see a child that looks lonely, I want to hug the homeless vet who approaches me for money, and I feel vulnerable at every second. The vulnerability is an extremely new thing for me, as I have always been the STRONG one, the one who didn't cry at deaths, who has always kept it together during tragic circumstances---even those directly involving myself--but I am allowing God to work these things out, I still question the validity of His will, but I am willing to trust. Even if it is hesitantly.
We all must spend some time in Gethsemane!
Jesus spent that painstaking night in the garden with his apostles and dear friends, praying that he wouldn't have to go through with crucifixion. I always fall victim to this image. The son of God came down in human form: The visit to Gethsemane, shows his humanness, shows his frailty, shows that even those who have a higher purpose, question what is meant to be. I cry with Jesus, I cry for Jesus, I cry because Jesus followed his call.
Jesus struggled with the knowledge of what was to come, he also struggled with the fact that his disciples, his friends--THOSE CLOSEST TO HIM--failed to see what was happening and did not understand. How lonely and scared he must have felt. I am glad that Jesus himself has experienced such desolation, makes my struggle seem a little less daunting.
Jesus Meek and Humble of Heart, make our hearts like unto thine!
So...from the bottom of this well, I have found comfort. I know that even though people might fail to understand what is going on, that God knows. I know that even though I often feel like I can't see or breathe, God is there to catch me. And I know that even though I have no idea where this journey will take me, someday I will be able to step out of this well and feel the grass under my feet, again.
Slowly. In time. In HIS time.
We all must spend some time in Gethsamane, it will only bring us closer to God.
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